REGIE'S BLOG
To Be Or Not To Be ...
Posted: 5/3/2010 10:21:36 AM
As I sit in my warm, cozy kitchen, watching the rain and listening to a Disney production in the next room, my son makes up an entire world with spider-man and a hot-wheels car in his bedroom and my daughter sits on the couch and fumbles with a book, glancing occasionally over at me with a lovely, contented smile, and I am struck with just how lucky a man I am. It is my birthday and I am glad to be alive. To my right are the cards I opened this morning. The one from my wife is deep and poetic and comes from a place only known after many years together. The one from my children is a big green monster with illegible scribbling all over it. I cherish them both.
As I've aged I've grown to fall in love with little things. I remember my grandfather's appreciation for what I used to consider to be the mundane. He would occasionally look up and say, "Reg, look how blue that sky is son. Ain't that beautiful?" I couldn't understand back then what was such a big deal about a sky. It's supposed to be blue, right? With every year that passes in my life, however, I understand more and more what it means to appreciate a sapphire sky. The first thing I do when I leave my house is look up and admire the sky, whatever shade it might be. It's a miracle and I'm humbled by it.
A few months ago a dear friend of mine passed away on a park bench while waiting on his wife to return from a walk. He was far too young to die and he is deeply missed. In his last breaths I hope he looked up at the sky. Last night I heard the news that another acquaintance of mine and fellow musician, took his own life in his studio. Though I didn't know him well, we did get dropped from our record labels the same year and commiserated with each other for about 30 minutes at a party one night. He was a monstrously talented individual with more than enough to live for in this world. I am saddened and angered by his exit. Suicide is a particularly dark end and it's a wound that never heals for those left behind. Still, I reluctantly admit that I understand it to some degree.
I've been a brooding, moody artist for most of my life. Several years ago I found out that I could attribute my dark side to more than my melancholy temperament. My lithium levels were almost non-existent. The doctor who discovered this asked me why I hadn't attempted suicide. He went on to tell me that he'd never seen anyone with lithium levels like mine that hadn't attempted it at least once. What he didn't know was that I had contemplated it many times in my younger years. One night in particular still haunts me ...
On a certain night in my teens, while my hormones were swirling in tumult and my future was uncertain (and in my opinion bleak), I had a horrible battle with myself. My parents were out of town on church business and I was was almost ready to leave the nest and strike out on my own. I was contemplating my future and where I would end up in life. This night my mind was in full meltdown. Anyone who's ever battled clinical depression knows how the spiral works and where it can end. It can start with something as simple as "the way that girl laughed at me today is just a microcosm of my entire existence. I'm worthless and life is futile. I can't find hope in anything anymore - why should I even keep going? All these people trying to encourage me are phony and hiding behind a mask of their own feelings of worthlessness. I should end this right here and now and teach them all a lesson. They will have to deal with their hypocrisy and hollow belief systems once I scatter the truth all over these walls. This is really the best and only choice for someone who really understands how broken the whole thing is. It's all worthless. I am worthless. I am nothing. I can't take this pain anymore and no one understands it. I just want it to end. I want that girl to feel this pain. I want my parents to feel this pain. I want everyone who knows me to finally feel this pain."
I took the pistol we kept in the house for protection into my room and placed in on my bed. I stared at it for at least two hours. The adrenalin and dread was coursing through my young veins and I began to feel like a man with only one option. "You're a coward because you can't really do it," the voice kept saying. "You don't have to do this - this is crazy! Sleep on it and figure it out in the morning," said the other voice. The emotional tug of war went on until the wee hours. My heart was close to bursting with all the stress of these tortured hours. I can't really say why I chose to put the gun away and press on until morning. Maybe it was one extra hug from my mother or a minute's more conversation with my father. It might have been a commitment to a dear, best friend or my not wanting my brother, who I loved, to have to live with having discovered my body. I went through every permutation and scenario that could've happened to me and all those around me that night and decided, somehow, on life. To this day I'm not always completely sure why.
In the past two months, I've had gout in both feet, a 7 mm kidney stone removed with 3 surgeries, plantar facsitis and tendonitis in my left foot as well as two stomach viruses. I also witnessed the biggest flood in Nashville, TN history happen right outside my front door just this weekend. Over the course of these days in the house, I've played with my children and tossed them around in delight, sometimes followed by some scolding and discipline, followed by more playing, followed by kisses and hugs ...often followed by yet more scolding and discipline ...ultimately ending in more kisses and hugs. Such is the ebb and flow of life itself. One moment you're talking to your wife, the next you're getting a morphine drip and being prepped for surgery. One minute you're roughhousing with dad, the next he's chastising you for slugging your sister. One second your headed to the grocery store, the next your car is up to its windows in flood water.
Life is a wild ride at any age or in any place. There are no real guarantees and often no sense to be made of it. I did hear Oprah say something one time that actually made a lot of sense to me and was the inspiration for one of my favorite songs I've written. She said, "press on and see what the end will be." As much as I've often rolled my eyes at Oprah and her oh-so-important life lessons, I think this one really rings true. We can choose to believe this is all a cosmic accident or we can become participants in the great human march toward wherever we're going. I lived to see the first black president in American history. I lived to see Tom Brady throw 50 touchdowns in one season. I lived to achieve some of my own dreams I didn't think I would ever have a shot at achieving. I met my little brother's 3rd child last week on his 4th day of life. I got to meet my own daughter and son and referee their ultimate fighting matches. I got to marry my dream girl. I got to go to Beijing in 2003. 5 years later I got to hear one of my songs close the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games. I got to watch my daughter, who specialists said might never walk, take her first steps at age 3. I now get to race her through the mall. I saw 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina ...and now the great Nashville flood of 2010. I witnessed all this; the beautiful, the ironic, the sweet, the bitter, the horrible, the unthinkable, the sublime, all because I chose life ...and I'm glad I did. Life is ultimately a good thing and it's worth living to the absolute fullest.
My dad says we've gotten the cliche' backwards. They say "where there's life there's hope." He says it's actually "where there's hope there's life." He might be right about that. It sounds good to me. Still, I know what it means to feel hopeless. I empathize with those who feel that their dreams have sailed beyond them and there is just no point in going on any longer. I have a book coming out in June that talks about these issues in depth. I know the territory and although there are horrors some have been through that would make anyone give up, I still believe in hope and life. Ultimately, we have to connect with others and risk love. I can guarantee beyond all doubt that nothing will work out like we plan. But the great mystery of it all is epic and exciting and to be embraced. So, to be or not to be? I say be ...always and without question ...BE!
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